This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
by The Cynical One- Tsubasa S
Summary: In which it is learned that an author can be particularly spiteful when it comes to stories, and that anything can happen in a story if no one cares about canon. Gift fic for a certain author out there, one-shot. Purposely out of character to an extreme, and Soul x Crona if you squint, and have literally no buildup whatsoever.


**So. I had originally planned this to be my gift to an author for Christmas. It was a nice piece with a surprisingly large word count, about 4,000 words and still going, when my computer decided to stick up its metaphorical middle fingers and do this to me by not saving my work despite my constant attempts and then shutting down on me.**

**THIS IS MY RESPONSE TO THAT. SCREW IT, I'M DONE WITH REDOING ALL OF THAT. THIS IS GOING TO BE HALF-ASSED AND NO ONE IS TO COMPLAIN.**

**And this is why we can't have nice things.**

**Prompt: Shit... did I lose it? Um... I have no idea what I'm doing here. Something about Soul x Crona? Make it funny. Scratching out the part where it's supposed to be for Christmas. I legitimately can't tell what I was supposed to be writing at first. I'm mostly just bullshitting and hoping for the best. Clearly, only good things can come from this. Most of this is probably extreme crack and possibly some parodying of badly written fan fiction of which I have serious issues with. These are not nitpicks, I genuinely have problems with reading stuff with this sort of content.**

**Actually, this is probably a tangent of mine rolled into the guise of a fanfiction. Whoops. Well, hope that it amuses someone out there.**

**Yep, that should about do it. Let's roll.**

**WARNING: This is coming off of the generalizations that I've received through really bad fanfics, as well as some fourth-wall breaking stuff. This correlates to the rant portion of this fic. Don't know why this should be a warning, but whatever.**

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It was a relatively normal day in Death City, the place where the sun has a child-molesting face while panting really hard for some reason that no one wants to know, a certain doctor-turned-teacher might experiment on you for being late to his class, and the principal of the largest and probably only school in the area- who is also god, by the way- has no issues with sending out a teenage student on life-threatening missions for the sake of eradicating evil human souls. School was its normal, hectic self, where children were learning how to kill people, as well as getting into fights while having little to no consequences to face as long as a teacher was willing to witness it. All in all, a regular day for the school's populous.

But, because stories need to have a plot, Soul and Crona are going to be in detention. Screw remaining in character or reasons for said detention which could easily be made up, even if the school is one of the most lenient institutes on the face of the planet, they're just there and that's final.

Soul was very cool about the odd sentence to detention that he received, and was acting like an idiot for no definite reason, seeing as how he's just a little lazy but still rather intelligent and rational. Once again, screw characterization, he's a fool that can't do anything by himself and is only capable of any mundane task when a certain bookworm entered the picture.

On the other hand, Crona was being very shy and conservative, something that was in fact common for the pink haired female. However, it was taken to an extreme, where she was genuinely afraid of her own shadow, despite the fact that she had come a long way from her former fear and actually made her own friends. Now, she's a pathetic, whimpering little whelp who can only seem to talk when a certain blonde was mentioned, in which case she goes into god-worship mode.

Hell, even Ragnarok is getting butchered! He's genuinely detestable, with no redeeming qualities and no remorse for Crona who HE LIVES INSIDE FOR FUCK'S SAKE, and not just a bully that likes to poke fun at Crona but will do as commanded when truly necessary.

But, he's not going to be in this story because despite living inside Crona, he doesn't care about Crona or any decisions that could affect the pink haired female in the slightest. Because, obviously, those things would not affect the black blood weapon as well.

Stein wasn't with the students, because it wasn't as if he cared about how the students were or their well-being, or even obligation as both a teacher and a responsible adult. Hell, he didn't even get Marie to cover for him, who absolutely adores the students and would have said yes without a second thought. The kids were just there, unsupervised.

However, back when he was in character, Stein was very capable of handling a group of rowdy students with questionable and unorthodox methods, and most were not forgetful of that fact, excluding the moron with red eyes and the pink haired emo ball of depression.

Now, in detention, Soul seemed to be very bored, as he had the attention span of a gnat and couldn't focus on anything of intellectual value higher than a rock, and so he turned to Crona, who immediately shied away and looked about ready to cry without Soul even uttering a word to her.

"I'm bored, do you have anything to do?" Soul asked her in a manner similar to that of Black Star despite the fact that the two were not very similar in regards to personality, as if trying to usher in the plot while simultaneously showing no understanding of the reason for detention. Then again, he was in there for no reason, as was the pink haired demon swordsman, so why should things make sense now?

Of course, because Crona had so much development that is being tossed into the trash, she immediately broke down into heavy, messy sobs while chanting, "I don't know how to deal with this," as if that had been the only phrase that she had ever uttered and would ever be capable of saying in her entire life.

A low growl came from a girl across the room who actually did have a reason for being in detention, her head down but her eyes peering over her arms to glare at the albino. With one sentence, he actually managed to cause a girl to break down in tears and force another awake. "Will you two shut the hell up?" When the albino didn't respond as he was distracted by a penny, and the female's glare was redirected towards the sobbing girl who only got worse when more attention was drawn to her, she grumbled to herself about people who didn't know the meaning of detention.

Crona let out another, disgustingly strangled sob that literally pained people to hear- the girl from before and a few other students that were either sleeping or distracting themselves otherwise would attest to this- and shouted out, "I wish Maka were here with me!" Clearly, Crona is and always will be codependent, never learning to act on her own or work with other people. Nope, it was Maka for life!

Since Soul can only hear in ranges of Maka and idiotic idea that he really doesn't listen to at all most of the time, he immediately picked up on Crona's cry for Maka and ignored the annoyed yells of the other student. Well, now it was practically everyone. But, they weren't important enough to have names or even a colored in detailed appearance, so all is well.

Other than the first girl who spoke to the duo- she had long dark hair, the color of midnight and sparkling with all the stars in the night sky, with-

Hey, she's putting her head down again. Get her face up. This needs to be described in agonizingly precise and improperly interchangeable detail. We're never going to explain what shade her hair really is so that it can be any type of black or blue that anyone could ever imagine.

There. See, was that so hard? Now, as I was narrating, with skin so ethereal, with a pale glow similar to the moon and eyes of the brightest shade of-

SHE PUT HER HEAD DOWN AGAIN, I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S GLARING AT YOU, GET IT BACK UP. WE ARE NOT FINISHED DESCRIBING THIS BITCH.

Anyways, her eyes are the brightest shade of hazel- fuck, what can you compare hazel to?

Oh shit she's actually starting to beat them up. Well, she is from the DWMA but has never really interacted with the main cast ever, and she's in detention. It wasn't as if she was really random Mary-Sue material.

Continuing on, as the poor interns poof out of existence and she goes to put her head down once more despite the wailing of Crona and Soul's disturbing staring that cause her to narrow her eyes as if she were questioning if he wanted a fight, the female decides to ignore the out of character students and will be left alone until the plot needs her once more.

Soul then finally reacted to Crona's exclamation from before, not realizing that having waited so long to watch the girl with the description and the men that randomly surrounded her desk out of nowhere, he actually let Crona whine so much that everyone's ears were bleeding from the horrified shrieks that the girl was emitting. Opening his mouth, he suddenly went into fan boy mode, where he began to recount all of her tiny moments of greatness and her Maka Chops that all _clearly_ served a purpose other than stuff that any normal person would do for- literally- any of their friends and giving him possibly fatal concussions, respectively.

"She's great, isn't she? She's nice and smart, and she only Maka Chops me to make me understand my wrong-doings!" He conveniently forgot about all the times that she would assault and punish him for acts that Blair would do, such as suffocating him with her breasts and make it practically impossible for him to pull away due to the lack of oxygen.

"Yeah! She's so beautiful and talented, I don't want to cut myself when I think about her!" Suddenly, a switch was flipped, and Crona went to her lesbian-stalker mode as she talked animatedly alongside Soul while thinking of how amazing Maka really was and how Soul didn't deserve her, and how she planned on killing him in his sleep. That's right, she's going Yandere now. Pray that she doesn't overthrow God and goes dimension-hopping, because then this story might become a crossover, and no one needs two pink haired psycho gods running around.

Soul nodded his head enthusiastically, the speed actually scaring some of the students into thinking that he would actually snap his own neck with the force. "And she's so capable, she's never been dependent. Not even on me, since she's part weapon now, and she's now really strong and notices all the stuff that I used to be good for, making me useless and therefore stupid! It's as if she weren't human, but a god. Or a poorly characterized version of a flawed, but relatable main character." Soul suddenly looked contemplative for a second, and actual emotion showed through his actions other than speech, as if he were a three-dimensional character.

That last part was actually coherent and plausible, something that worried Crona as she thought that she'd have to start making sense and having more than one character trait, making her complex and more sympathetic. But, it was not to be, and it was as if Soul's intelligence was lightning- it struck, and then it was gone. Soon replacing the logical response was an idiotic smile, and Crona immediately went back to her discussion as if she hadn't noticed the thought.

"Definitely! And it's not at all-" Crona was then startled by a slam on a desk as the female from before slapped her hands on it out of anger, before glaring at the ridiculously loud duo. The dark haired girl was at her wits end. Did these morons not get that they were in _detention?_ Not only that, but she was tired, things were just weird for some reason, and the girl wanted to be left alone to sleep.

_Guess who the fuck weren't letting her do that._

"Will you two just shut up for five fucking minutes? We've only been in here less than a fucking minute! One minute!" She pointed at the clock, which did indeed show that the time was barely reaching the one-minute mark, currently. "And you two are acting as if you don't have any sort of common sense! This is a classroom. We are not outside. We are in the classroom of a madman that will not hesitate to dissect us for misbehaving!" Well, that would be, if he were characterized right even once in this entire story. Sadly, this is not the case. "I'm not in the mood for that, really. I'm not in the mood for anything at all. Especially not the bullshit that you two are spewing out."

She then put her head down. "Plus, Maka's not that great." She said this out of pure frustration at the current situation, but this seemed to be the only thing that the two actually heard, as their faces contorted to ones of pure rage.

"Excuse me? What the hell do you know?" Crona angrily questioned, for once breaking her already simplified character to head into a new extreme for incorrect characterization.

"Yeah!" Soul agreed in a similar manner, not at all being his normal calm and collected self by wearing his emotions on his sleeves. "What have you done? Have you punched out a Kishin?" He waited for her to respond as if he were already victorious, with his arms crossed and his head tilted while he smirked. Ha, she couldn't beat that.

Said girl rose an eyebrow, before responding in a condescending voice. "Oh, my, how impressive. Seeing as how your reaper friend had to weaken him down from his other state, and the idiot ninja had been fighting him as well, it wasn't at all possible that he could have been tired." The female then actually went back to sitting and put her head in her hand. "Tell me, what other reason is your friend 'godly' for?" The mere mention of god caused Black Star to appear out of nowhere and shout out, "God!"

He chose to omit the other times that god had been referenced, because Black Star was god and god did what god wanted to do, and that was final.

Ignoring their blue haired friend, even though they were in a room that could only be accessible by either being in the school- which Black Star currently was not- or being on one of the spikes that had just broken off and was causing Black Star to hurtle to his death, Crona immediately began to doubt Maka from that one statement that showed none of her actual personality or importance, using that to judge her completely. Crona then gasped.

"Wait, what if she's right?" The nameless female looked confused while Soul looked crushed and questioning of everything in this paper-thin plot. "What if Maka's not... perfect?"

As if everything logical had finally reached this poor story, the two actually had a coherent moment of realization; Maka is only a person and will have flaws, which make her human. This should have been more obvious as their friend who was an actual god had more flaws than they could count, but it was only just now made clear.

Now that she was done with her usefulness, nameless girl decided that she had lost enough brain cells listening to the other two and seeing how they acted strangely today. Usually, they were a lot less... well, fucking moronic was the only words that she had to describe for it. Actually, how did they even end up in detention in the first place...?

About to pose the only sound question in this entire story, the female was suddenly shocked to have the most random invasion of personal space when she looked up. Soul and Crona could literally bat their eyelashes into her widened pupils if they wanted to.

The hazel-eyed girl reacted to this sudden invasion of personal space rationally.

"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" She then backed up in her seat before launching her feet out to the two, aiming for the solar plexus and causing them to hurtle away from her. Taking in deep breaths, she then looked up to see the black blooded duo look at her, before she decided that this was not worth the effort anymore.

"Fuck it, I'll just take Stein dissecting me tomorrow." And with that, she left, never knowing or planning on learning what Soul and Crona discussed after she disproved their belief that Maka was their goddess. She was fine with being left in the dark, and she'd never have to see the two again after their time in detention that may or may not have been actually legitimate.

That was, until the very next day. She actually wishes that she had been dissected now.

The female who had spoken to Soul and Crona the other day walked into the classroom, preparing for class once more. Taking her usual seat in the far right of the class, away from other students, she was surprised to have a letter in her seat. It wasn't common for anyone to want to speak with her, yesterday being a prime example as to why. Still, she picked it up and read it with a confused expression on her face, and it only got worse once she realized what was sitting in her hands.

"YOU ARE INVITED TO THE WEDDING OF SOUL EATER EVANS AND CRONA GORGON."

"...The fuck?"

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**Before anyone says anything, this was not bashing any characters. Just really, really bad portrayals of characters. Maka is not god, Soul is not useless or just someone who says 'cool' a lot... which I oddly enough didn't include, but whatever, and Crona is not pathetic nor a whiny emo character. They have personalities that define them. They act certain ways because of their experiences. Do not scrap that to create your own characters through them. THAT IS WHY WE CREATE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS. AND, IN SOME CASES, MARY SUES, THOUGH THAT IS ITS OWN RANT.**

**YES, EVERYTHING IN THIS FIC WAS ON PURPOSE. THE RANDOMNESS, THE CONSTANTLY CHANGING AND UNFOCUSED PLOT, THE PLOT HOLES, EVERYTHING. THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD HAVE MADE THIS MORE OBVIOUS WOULD BE HORRID GRAMMAR AND SPELLING, AND I WAS NOT ABOUT TO GO THAT ROUTE.**

**On another note, p****ersonally, I always felt that the background characters in these bad fanfictions probably had it the worse. It's like one day, their friend comes over and they're acting really strange, and they just want to make sense of it, but since everything's chaotic and weird, they can't process what's happening and how they should react. Other than maybe record everything and use it as blackmail material.**

**That, and I wanted to make a parody because I love satires. I really had a more humorous-based fic last time with some romantic undertones, but this was mostly just parody-based humor and not even there romance.**

**Meh, I'd probably add another chapter where Soul and Crona are actually in character and dealing with the aftermath of their out of character adventure into random detention as well as marriage, but it's never going to be as I am lazy and a procrastinator! That actually can tie a lot into the original story, so this would have worked out perfectly. It's a shame that I'm probably never going to write it.**

**Anyhow, I'll probably see you all next gift fic because I won't write anything otherwise!**

_**The Cynical One.**_


End file.
